Wonderful Laboratories (wonderfullabs) wrote,
Wonderful Laboratories

The Case Of Blood And Wonder

wonder Yet more massive high-heated illuminating missives, recently dispatched from Mister Wonderful, our man on the star-studded streets.
Dearest Readers,


     Oh, my precious dumplings of innocence, what a week we've had here on the charming global island chain of Potrzebie. Mister Dark finally found a white embroidered dashiki just his size and rushed out to "see how it may be accented with arterial spray." Mister Malice brought home a penguin that he thinks he can train to lie in wait and frighten pianists. I, myself, me, Mister Wonderful, I joined the youth of Potrzebie by attending a music festival in a volcano. Apparently it's some sort of annual celebration of the solar gods' triumph over the forces of good taste.

     Potrzebian life, as I've said, is often a mixture of the modern and the archaic. They have cell phones, but only with rotary dials. They like The Beatles and Oasis. Potrzebians tend to be spiritual without being theological. They believe stuff, but they're not married to it. The religions of the islands are myriad: some unusual alignment of the stars(or even the clouds, or the toadstools) happened to strike one's ancestors as groovy and worth chatting about once a week. That's it. You get a thousand new creeds every time a rock enters the atmosphere and burns freely across the skies. And when things go badly for the politicians of Potrzebie, they always blame it on the liberal meteor.

     Speaking of. You may recall that I had hoped to earn some moolah as a verb-wrangler in one of Potrzebie's many fine print factories. Turns out there are already a surfeit of columnists here, more's the pity. They have "romance advice" columnists who tell people how to solve their personal problems by pretending the world has not changed in fifty years. They have "practical advice" columnists who tell folks where to stick their grout. They have "trivia" columnists, who answer obscure questions, or present little-known facts. They also have Dan Savage. What I'm banking on is that no one does my whole "wisdom gestalt."

     Dig this column from The Omphalitic County Deranger, a daily paper published for the affluent hill people:

TRIVIA by Horrabin Mos Eisley
Q. What color is lobster blood? A. Mauve. * Q. Is there life on Mars? A. Not today, no. * The penis of the male warthog has a flange. * There are buckets of pus behind the Vatican. * Terrible stuff once happened. * For .01% of Swedes, the brain grows at a faster rate than the skull. * Q. Does lightning go up or down? A. Neither. You are having a seizure. * Q. Who invented the condom? A. Dr. Liebedich Bangzalot. * Jesus died for your sins - on accident. * A recalcitrant sephiroth can traumatize the works of Shakespeare! * The number one is a hoax. * Q. Who played 'The Flying Nun'? A. Who didn't? * It takes more muscles to tickle than to kill. * A guitar can't fit through a bicycle. * There are places where things are different.

     I know it'll be tough to beat that kind of rigorous journalism, but there's a place for me in the pulsing planet of Potrzebie periodicals. I feel it.

Yours with a light heart and black fingers,
Mister Wonderful
WONDERFUL LABS - We Also Service Those Who Stand And Wait

Because I don't bend to reality, you see what I mean?" His eyes were more intense than ever, as though he were channeling Svengali. "Reality bends to *me*.
- Donald Westlake,
Money For Nothing
Mister Wonderful Recommends: Alternate history that isn't. Is it irony
or is it memorex?
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